The Importance of a “Thank You”

While saying “thank you” may seem minimally important or useful, I believe it is one of the most powerful phrases used in interpersonal relationships. Whether we realize it or not, we oftentimes make a mental tally of how often (or not so often) the important people in our lives offer an expression of gratitude. However, we are usually more cognizant of the “thank yous” we aren’t hearing.

You notice when you’re not appreciated

Whether it is holding a door open for a stranger, picking up the check for dinner, or doing the laundry, we always seem to notice when we feel that we are owed, but did not receive a “thank you.” Think about the feelings that come to mind when you felt you were not adequately thanked. Maybe being snubbed a few times doesn’t create any lasting distress, but think about this in terms of your important relationships. If this continually happens, or becomes a pattern, you are likely to begin to feel angry or sad, alienated, and question how much the other person values you and or the relationship. If this goes addressed for an extended period of time, it is likely that you will begin to feel unsatisfied in the relationship, and less likely to do things that would merit a thank you, which will in turn make the other person less likely to offer thank yous.

Recognize the benefits of expressing gratitude

When you thank someone, even for the smallest act, you are not only acknowledging whatever they did in the moment, you are creating an atmosphere of acceptance and validation. Your partner will feel that you not only see their efforts, but that they matter to you. Because your loved one receives the message that you notice their efforts, they will not only feel accepted, but they will also be more likely to continue to do thinks for you in the future. Think about expressing gratitude as “credits” to your relationship “bank account,” the more positive experiences you add to the account, the more stable your relationship will be; and having negative experiences or “debits” won’t be so detrimental if you have an abundance of credits.

Use the “thank you” appropriately

1.     Don’t assume your loved one is a mind reader.  We often forget to say “thank you” in relationships when we assume that the other person knows we appreciate them. Keep in mind that your loved one is NOT a mind reader, unless you say it out loud to them, your unexpressed gratitude may be interpreted as emotional neglect. Whether it’s thanking your mother for preparing a meal, your partner for putting gas in the car or doing the laundry, or a friend for picking up the bar tab; a sincere out loud thank you will ensure that your loved one knows you recognize their efforts.

2.     Don’t be sarcastic. Especially if you are already in a rocky place in a relationship, sarcastic thank yous will only work to the detriment of the relationship. Being sarcastic with your thank yous will also cause the other person to question the sincerity of any future, genuine thank yous.

3.     Say it often, to everyone. Try to apply using an abundance of thank yous to all of your relationships. The goal is to get yourself into the habit of expressing gratitude often so that it will feel more natural and less forced. Remember that everyone in your life is deserving of a thank you, whether it’s a romantic partner, parent, your children, friend, or coworker, try to make applying an attitude of gratitude the norm in all of your interpersonal relationships.

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