What your partner needs to hear as much as (if not more than) “I love you”
When
we enter relationships we all assume that “I love you” is the most important,
most powerful phrase we can say to our partner. We assume that those three
words will fit or fix any situation; from conveying affection, reaffirming our
commitment, to healing hurt after an argument. What we forget, though, are the
other phrases that are just as important as saying “I love you.” Though they do
not replace the need for telling our partners that we love them, I would argue
that a relationship couldn’t survive without continuously telling your partner
“I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” and “I’m proud of you.”
I’m
Sorry
This seems fairly
obvious, because we all fall short of perfect and inevitably do or say
something that makes our partner feel less than great. While imperfection is
expected, it is extremely important that we own our mistakes. We have to be
able to set aside our pride and express that remorse out loud to our partners. Think
about a time that you realized you were wrong, but couldn’t find it in you to
admit this to your partner? Often times though we realize our faults, we allow
pride and righteous indignation to prevent us from telling our partner.
Saying “I’m sorry” is not
just about admitting fault, it is also an attempt to repair the damage done. We
say “I’m sorry” to let our partner know that we do not wish to continue in
anger. Dr. John Gottman, a leading clinician and researcher in couples therapy,
calls this a “repair attempt.” These repair attempts are of paramount
importance not only healing our relationships in the moment, but also
safeguarding them from resentment and negativity that can become like a cancer
to the relationship. Dr. Gottman’s research reveals that couples that make
repair attempts are far more successful than those who do not.
I forgive you
Very similar to making a
repair attempt in saying “I’m sorry,” it is equally important to be receptive
of such an attempt. In fact, rejecting your partner’s repair attempt can be
just as detrimental as not making a repair attempt at all. When our partner
offers a sincere “I’m sorry,” your ability to accept this and to say “I forgive
you” can be indicative of how successful you will be as a couple. If you continually
reject your partner’s apologies, how willing will they be to make them in the
future? Remember that coming to the realization that your partner was wrong
took not only an ability for introspection on their part, but also the
willingness to set pride aside to attempt to repair the damage. If you
continually reject this, your partner will begin to feel defeated and will be
less likely to offer you apologies in the future.
I’m proud of you
This is about far more
than simply acknowledging your partner’s accomplishments (which is certainly
very important). This is about conveying the message to your partner that you
have a deep respect and admiration for them. Feeling that your partner respects
and admires you is incredibly important in creating (and maintaining) a deep
sense of intimacy and emotional connection with your partner; which is again
indicative of a healthy, lasting relationship. Saying “I’m proud of you” is a
win-win, not only is telling your partner that you’re proud of them helpful in
your relationship, it also helps foster a better sense of self-worth in your
partner. Having a healthy self-concept will help in protecting your partner
from experiencing mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. If your
partner struggles with anxiety and or depression, telling them that you are
proud of them may help in interrupting their thoughts and feelings of
hopelessness and despair.
If you would like to
learn more about how to repair or strengthen the relationships in your life,
visit www.relationshipcounselingnyc.com to learn more about how speaking to a
licensed professional may be beneficial.
